A letter to my 19 yo self

And they ask how are you. And sometimes it just feels impossible to answer. We are alright. We have disposable income, a stable job, people in our life who love us. And yet. We feel bad for still feeling that hole in your chest you already feel. The pain that wakes up when the sun sets, the one that closes your throat. Partying, smoking cigarettes and rushing into bed with those guys you find too attractive for you don’t work by the way. We have known it doesn’t work for a while, but we continue doing it. It just makes us forget that the darkness is here because our eyes are closed for a moment. We added a substantial addiction to Instagram to the mix of coping mechanisms recently. Life still feels like an uphill battle most days because we still can’t escape ourselves completely. Oh yeah, all that professional success and athletic achievements you take so much pride in, we are still chasing that and hoping for the whole world to validate us without letting them see us be vulnerable. We also know that it doesn’t work because no ambitious goal is ever enough but we are still doing it, because change is a bitch and you of all versions of us is working hard to make achieving our favorite defense mechanism. No the angst isn’t gone either. It’s similar, but with big life questions woven into it. We are living somewhere where we don’t quite belong and we want to live somewhere else, where I don’t belong either. We don’t really know what belonging means and finding the answer would help us on quite a few of the questions we still have. I still don’t know why but despite all this mess and despite how complicated it all feels, I have hope. You don’t know it yet, but some people will see you and adore you when you are the least likable version of yourself. They’ll show you ways of living life you don’t know and reveal versions of yourself you didn’t know existed. And no, you can’t get to those versions of you without their help stop trying to do everything yourself, it’s slowing you down. Change is also happening. But by daily increment, so you can’t feel it and it feels like nothing is moving. But it's happening, and not even in the order you expect it to move. It’s surprising. That's another reason why it’s all worth it. Life is a big bloody surprise. You’ll be at what feels like rock bottom and a decision later you are the luckiest person in the universe. You don’t control shit and you know what, given all the best that happened to us over the last 10 years was far from our predictions, it’s good that it’s not in our control. And sometimes we manage to get out of ourselves to look at the world. Really look I mean, not wondering how it perceives us. And then it gives us vertigo, but in a good way. Firstly because, we forget sometimes, but we are in awe of nature. Secondly because you already know that observing is what we do best. We are curious at our core. And we know instinctively that every person and topic has infinite layers of beautiful complexities if you look at it for long enough. So we are mostly working on that. Looking at people, looking like a fool learning stuff and passing the inflection point where you have the experience that drives you into the rabbit hole of being swept away by something bigger than you. So far we have surfing, yoga, feminism, literature, we dabble into politics and economics. We also know that mastery is the best thing to witness. Competence to the point of complete tension release. That is why you have an obsession with great dancers and scholars. We still have it (and have added great surfers to the list), but now we understand that it comes from ungodly amounts of practice and not necessarily from that innate talent you persuaded yourself you’d never amount to anything if you don’t have any. I think that is what we want to become one day. Masterful. I bet you are asking yourself the question so I’ll answer. We did get over the heartbreak you are still nesting from this relationship embryo that miscarried. But we repeated the cycle with other dudes. And I’m exhausted. You’ll see, it’ll mostly burn. But there is 2 sides of this coin. And you’ll realize that those doomed relationships temporarily soothe the pain of knowing you can’t be good enough. And when they hit, it’s fucking magical. The crash is gut wrenching but the high lights you on fire like nothing else. That is why you’ll get addicted to those. We still are. We have never done hard drugs but I equate receiving a text or spending the night with some of the guys you’ll cross path with to a shot of heroin. You have a talent to find them, they’ll have the exact thing you feel you lack in the moment and will be just out of reach enough, to the point where you’ll wonder why they decided to pursue you in the first place. And to the point where it’ll make sense when they decide to disappear or to choose someone else. I’m trying to get sober but sometimes I’m not sure I can accept to live in a world where I cannot get high of those dynamics anymore. It feels like committing to not feeling anything. I’d like to tell you that we are going to find that connection we are so yearning for but to be frank I don’t know. It’s interesting though because despite being tired, burnt out, angry at those who have put us through excruciating pain, we keep chasing love. It’s like a weird inner compass. You’ll find yourself coming back again and again to the places where you felt infatuated. On the topic of feeling deeply, you are feeling deeply. You don’t want to show it but it just happens. And that can be a good thing. You’ll drop the act gradually. You’ll discover music and paintings that will have the effect of an earthquake on your insides. That it’s what being alive really is. Your appearance is still an issue, although you are at 28 a lot less self conscious than you are at 19. We are working on making your body and face feel like home, not like your enemy. We still have a long way to go but you’ll be surrounded by people that will allow you to forget and stop worrying about what you look like. Liking what you see in the mirror is another topic, and we are not there yet. We don’t know where we are going exactly but we are taking it one step at a time. Trusting reluctantly what gifted us our best memories yet, while still not believing that not having control will get us anywhere. We are turning 29. It feels weird